Listen to Hear & Understand, Not to Respond

 Why we listen

  • We listen to obtain information.
  • We listen to understand.
  • We listen for enjoyment.
  • We listen to learn, (by paying attention).
  • Give the speaker your undivided attention, and acknowledge the message. Recognize that non-verbal communication also “speaks” loudly.

How we listen

  • Look at the speaker directly.
  • Put aside distracting thoughts.
  • Don’t mentally prepare a rebuttal!
  • Avoid being distracted by environmental factors; TV, Cell Phone etc.
  • “Listen” to the speaker’s body language.

What to do with the information we hear:

Provide Feedback

Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect what is being said and ask questions.

Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. “What I’m hearing is,” and “Sounds like you are saying,” are great ways to reflect back.

  • Ask questions to clarify certain points. “What do you mean when you say.” “Is this what you mean?”
  • Summarize the speaker’s comments periodically. Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message.

Defer Judgment

  • Allow the speaker to finish each point before asking questions.
  • Don’t interrupt with counter arguments. Active listening is a model for respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting him or her down.

Respond Appropriately

  • Be candid, open, and honest in your response.
  • Assert your opinions respectfully.
  • Treat the other person in a way that you think he or she would want to be treated.

Key Points

  • It takes a lot of concentration and determination to be an active listener. Old habits are hard to break, and if your listening habits are as bad as many people’s are, then there’s a lot of habit-breaking to do!
  • Be deliberate with your listening and remind yourself frequently that your goal is to truly hear what the other person is saying. Set aside all other thoughts and behaviors and concentrate on the message. Ask questions, reflect, and paraphrase to ensure you understand the message. If you don’t, then you’ll find that what someone says to you and what you hear can be amazingly different!

 

“The One”

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How do you know when a situation, a relationship, a long-term commitment or even a purchase is right for you?

When  making a major and perhaps life changing decision in our lives, it comes with a great amount of emotions filled with fear, anxiety, hesitation and  uncertainty unless we know without a doubt that what we are about to do is for us and feels right, and we know that this is “The One”

No major decision comes without the wonder of “am I doing the right thing?” or “should I go forward with this?” But when the situation is right, it will fall into place naturally without much thought or effort because you and your choice are aligned.  When you find yourself in a situation or relationship that seems forced, problematic, hard, draining, exhausting, overwhelming etc. this is not the meaning of “relationships/opportunities are hard and takes a lot of work” that you should be feeling and experiencing. Relationships/Opportunities that share your same vision, values and joys are not hard and draining although yes work is required, but it’s important to know the difference.

Fear is what tempts us to settle and make something work that was never meant to be. A friend of mine recently mentioned to me in a conversation that the “S” word is just as strong as the “L” word.  They were talking about “Settling” and “Love.” When you love someone, you do whatever it takes to hang in there and make it work, but you are likely to do the same thing when you settle…When we settle, we will do whatever it takes to “force” it to work because we chose this thing and now we want to know that we didn’t make a mistake so we want it to work for our “ego’s sake or for our circumstances sake even if the pieces to the puzzle doesn’t fit.

You’ll always regret making a permanent decision out of something that was meant to be temporary.  So if you’re contemplating a commitment to someone or something that’s long-term, you’ve got to dig deep and be brutally honest with yourself. Making decisions from a place of  authenticity and love and not from a place of desperation or fear will always point you in the right direction.

Here are (5) sure signs that can help you determine if the opportunity in front of you is or is definitely NOT “The One.”

1.  You feel like you have to change who you are to make it work.

 When something or someone is meant for you, you can be yourself.  You will feel inspired to be the best version of yourself, and who you are at your core will be an asset, not a liability. If you’re trying to like things you don’t like, or feel like your behavior or personality is constantly being criticized, this is not “The One.”

2.  You find yourself trying to convince the other person of your worth.

 When it’s the right situation, the other person will always see the value of what you bring to the table. In fact, they may be excited about elements of you that even you take for granted. You’ll feel appreciated and valued.  If you have to beg for appreciation, their time, acknowledgement or have to convince someone of your worth, they are NOT “The One”

3.  In the depths of your soul, you know you are settling.

 If fear has you making excuses for why this situation could work even though it does not line up with your heart’s vision, your beliefs, values and standards, it’s   NOT “The One.”  Be honest with yourself, why are you settling? Is it because your expectations really are unrealistic or not authentic? Or is it because you’re afraid that you can’t have what you really want?

There’s no getting around it. When your values aren’t aligned, there’s bound to be conflict – unresolvable conflict.  Simply put, “values” are the things you think really matter in life. What you value is what you put first. Your values guide your decisions, how you treat people, and the vision that you have for what you want your life to look like. If you don’t share similar values, eventually you will have to compromise too much of yourself to make it work in the long term.

4.  If another opportunity came along, you’d take it.

When you find “The One,” you’re not holding out and hoping for something better. What you have brings such contentment that your entire focus is on savoring and making the most of the opportunity right in front of you. If that’s not how you feel,   this is NOT “The One.”  “The One” is what you are willing to accept as is. You will not try to fix it, change it or plan for some potential to eventually be reached.

5.  You are not at peace about it.

 Fear is normal and there will always be some level of healthy fear especially if you really know it’s  “The One” and you do not want to fail or mess the opportunity up. But do you feel at peace about moving forward in spite of your fear because you truly want this?  Or are you going through with it with the hope that it will grow into something better? If you’re not at peace, it’s either not right or not the right time. It is very hard and lonely to have to wait, have the faith, courage and strength to believe that the “perfect” love or opportunity will make its way to you, because there is no such thing as perfect. You have to be at peace with whatever decision or person you choose for what it is and for whom they are at the moment, right now because you know that it feels right and aligns with who you are. If not, it is NOT or they are NOT “The One.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Woman’s Worth

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I can’t possibly fathom how any man can take for granted a woman’s worth other than the man that is misogynistically subdued by perhaps such a thing as his ego. He’s the one that will easily suggest that a woman without her man is nothing, but oh how he got it all wrong, because it really is “a woman without her, man is nothing…”

She’s sacrificial & selfless putting everyone else’s needs before her own, she will often sacrifice her dreams to create & maintain a happy home. She puts off a career & many opportunities to support & take care of her family & will take care of everyone & everything else that she deems necessary & priority.

She wears multiple hats, she’s every woman, being a “Super Woman” literally, often standing in great strength & uncertainty as she often faces gender adversity. With grace, resilience, virtue & tenacity, she is like magic, she has this courageous ability.

To be a mother, wife, friend, sister, counselor, soldier, coach, mentor… she will work a job and run a home,  cooking, cleaning, raising children, and volunteering, it is often her that’s doing the most healing, motivating, elevating & cheering.

These are just the basic domestic contributions of her valuable & generous time, and then there are those women that will do all of this, & still manage to stay fit & fine.

Her vanity is work! The waxing, shaving, plucking, tucking & pulling, skin care regimens, lotions, potions, perfumes, manicures, pedicures, hair, makeup, fitness, diet, wardrobe and heels… she has to switch up and try to maintain sex appeal, corporate appeal, mother appeal, sister appeal.

Men… All the effort and work that a woman will go through, she doesn’t do it for other women or just for herself, when a woman does all of this, it’s mainly for you, that she carries this torch & look of great wealth.

A woman is willing to give up everything she is & knows, to support her man & build a family. When she marries, she gives up her name for his, she leaves her own & builds a home & life with him.

She bares children for him, sometimes enduring an excruciating and grueling labor, yet will navigate all so effortlessly through the physical, hormonal, & emotional changes her body goes through,  and then she gives her children his name too…

Women have paved the way & have made a way out of no way for many, and  we continue to carry this cross, we are supreme; Earth Queens, we are worth everything, beyond magnificent & will forever reign as Boss!

A Woman that is…I’m not talking about acknowledgement for being just a female or a girl. But a Woman?! Love her, honor her, respect her because after all she was created for you, to help you, she may be Mother Earth to you, but she is here to increase you & to magnify your world.

Why is she doing the work of the FBI on you? (Spoken Word Wounded Heart Chronicles)

I should have explored you to avoid being exploited, and my emotions wouldn’t have gone off like a bomb & exploded.

For trusting you and getting vulnerably involved, I was left to be defamed…tainted, embarrassed, wounded, & shamed from being caught up in your game.

There’s definitely some guilt that comes with now, feeling the need to sneak; and having to investigate my potential mate because I won’t believe the words he speak.

Doing the work of the FBI, CIA or Spy like agency, trying to find out if he’s telling the truth or always lying to me.

Starting off wrong because I can’t readily trust him, because I’ve been played before, I’ve been lied to & when “caught” still lied to, so I can’t fall for that shit anymore.

So I’m cautious like a construction zone while I’m getting to know the “who” in you, these are the things when previously lied to, new prospects have to go through.

I know my heart and mind is fucked up right now because of what I’ve already been through, and it’s not fair that I need to vet you, but yeah…guess what? I’m going to!

You’re on a prove yourself basis off top, because I need for you to show me, you have to put in consistency and quality time, I need for you to earn me!

What you do is who you are, so please don’t attempt to tell me, because I’m studying your every waking move, so no need for you to try me.

I’ll already know when you’re telling the truth, I’ve gotten good at this believe me. Just like I know when you’re telling a lie, I’m FBI-ing you so trust me.

I shouldn’t have to be the FBI…or a Super Spy to get to know you; I shouldn’t have to snoop & pry but for my heart’s sake I have to.

It will be great for “us” you and I, if your character truly checks out, but if you knew that I ran a background check, your trust in me would have doubts.

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You’re probably thinking “this B%tch is crazy!” But I need that option to choose, because if you don’t check out and I get comfortably involved,  I have EVERYTHING to lose!

That’s how you know what a person is about, is when they can hurt others without thought, not caring about the consequences of their actions, because “they” don’t have a lot…

Just know that women are investigative savvy, and your words don’t mean a thing, I’m the real deal and I need real, an honest and loyal man on my team!

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#justbehonest #dontputthatwomanthroughhell #dontmakeherdoit #stopbeingselfish #youneedjesus #youruinedher #firstfindyourselfandthencomefindher #shejustwantedtoloveyou

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The Substance of the Human Spirit

Substance is defined as something that has mass, material, depth, it occupies space, and it has matter. The substance of the Human Spirit is the integrity of a person’s being. This is their depth and their matter. Their spiritual substance is defined by the choices they make, and by their benevolent concern for the good of others. It’s from them being kind, considerate, and understanding. 

It is them having a joyful disposition, having morals, values, and standards. It’s by them making a conscious choice to use their will to do what’s morally right instead of what is popular or deemed acceptable by the world’s standards. It is what we are within ourselves and to others.

Something that lacks substance is considered to be of empty-space, unfilled, shallow, and hollow. It’s surface pretty, a façade, a mirage. A person that is lacking spiritual substance will operate under a mask of shallow good deeds, until they’re  pissed off or their prosperous circumstances change. 

The motive for choosing the right partner to love should be founded in the depth of a persons spiritual substance. All the good grounded stuff that sets the foundation for who they are and what they stand for.  Their moral fiber, character and make up. If you took all of their material possessions away, there titles and their physical attractiveness, what would you truly see in them?

Circumstances change, conditions change, so look at the person’s core, their heart, their human spirit. If there foundation is fragile and they are not exhibiting a generous spirit, if you are a person with a generous spirit you will be highly disappointed if you emotionally invest in them. You may have once experienced loving someone that was not in alignment with your human spirit, you may be with this person now… and even though you gave/give them everything that you are and love/loved them with everything you’ve got, they didn’t/don’t receive it with an ounce of grace because your spirits are not/were not aligned.

When you are not paired up with the right person, or your equally yoked person, based on your sharing of the same core values, and having the same level of integrity for life, there will inevitably be conflict, misunderstanding, and a constant battle of confusion, discomfort and resistance between your heart, mind and soul. 

The desires of the heart are deceptive and you can be fooled by a person that lacks spiritual substance as long as their external surface dealings with you are in good standing.  Be careful not to extend yourself to someone and allow them to have a stake in your heart, life, and future based on false facades and mirages. Make sure that your spiritual paths are aligned.

The best way to check a person’s heart and to know what a person’s spirit is really about is not by evaluating how well they treat you, but it is by seeing how well they treat others. A person can easily treat you like Gold when you are Golden so be careful! When your Gold starts to appear plated, evaluate how you are being treated then. Will the level of love still be consistently the same or will it change because your circumstances changed? This is why it is most important to fall in love with a person’s substance, their character and human spirit and not fall in love with the idea of them or their attributes.

If this person is sweet, loving and kind to you but has consistent road rage, lashes out at others for misunderstandings or mistakes; is not kind to servers at restaurants, talks down to those that may have less than them or makes less than them, yells out threatening obscenities when having an unpleasant interaction with others, they will soon treat you the same… a person’s true character is in how they treat the world around them. It is important to notice and pay attention to how they treat others, things, nature, and animals because this will tell you who they really are and will tell you if they have the human spirit that is of substance, worth falling in love with.

The Top (5) Childhood Wounds that Sabotage Your Relationships

 *Abandonment   *Abuse   *Perfectionism   *Insufficient Self Control   *Addictive Personality 


 Abandonment

Children that were abandoned by a parent(s) tend to take on one of two behaviors in their relationships. They either cling to others displaying behaviors of being controlling, overly possessive, jealous or needy believing these behaviors will protect their relationship because they are fiercely afraid of being left “abandoned.” Or, they take on the opposite behavior to where they refuse to be vulnerable and are excessively afraid to get close to others because they don’t believe that important relationships will last.

When the abandoned child becomes an adult, they’re usually attracted to partners who are not available and cannot be there in a committed way, and they will usually end a relationship first or find any reason to say something is wrong with the person or the relationship once the relationship becomes too serious or overwhelming in fear that they will be abandoned by their partner. This wound is often referred to as a person having mommy or daddy issues. This wound leaves the following mental residue in the child which causes them to sabotage their adult relationships:

Emotional Deprivation – is when a child is raised in an environment where they are neglected and do not have parents or other family members that provide them with their time and attention. When a child is not nurtured and cared about and isn’t shown or given affection with physical touch, or when the child did not hear words of empathy and compassion, or affirmations and expressions of love or appreciation, they tend to withhold affection in their adult relationships. By the child not having loved ones that shared concern for their well-being and the things that happen to them, and by them not having parents or loved ones who was tuned in to their feelings and needs, making them feel important and valued, the adult-child will suffer from not being able to communicate and express their needs in a relationship. In most cases, the adult-child does not know how to ask for what they need and quite honestly may not even know what they need or know that they even need it. Adults that suffer from this residue are uncomfortable with receiving affection and usually are not affectionate and will deprive their partner of it because they don’t know what affection looks like or feels like. Most times it is not that they don’t want to be affectionate, it’s that they just don’t know how to be. They do not initiate physical touch and they are not comfortable with expressing or showing emotion and this causes their relationships to suffer and/or end.

Defectiveness – this is when abandoned children become adults that develop the mindset that they’re unworthy of the love, attention, and respect of others and believe that no matter how hard they try, they won’t be able to get a significant partner to respect them or feel that they are good enough or worthwhile. Because these children were never validated, they tend to lack confidence and have very low self-esteem. They tend to be timid and shy and don’t know their value or worth. These adult-children will often become victims of adult subjugation in relationships. The behaviors they will take on are of being overly passive or submissive, letting the other person in their relationships (be it with loved ones, friends, or romantic relationships), have the upper hand to avoid or pacify conflict instead of confronting it.

Self-Sacrifice – These adult children will often put their partner and others’ needs before their own, or else they will feel guilty. They are often considered as being too nice and usually end up taking care of everyone they’re close to out of fear of being abandoned, or losing the love or friendship or being rejected if they don’t succumb to other’s needs. They worry a lot about pleasing other people because they believe that this is the only way that they will be loved and accepted. They often will accept being treated poorly because they don’t know or believe they are valuable and was never taught or shown how they should be treated.

 Abuse

When a child experienced or witnessed any kind of abuse be it verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual, they are left with the wounded residue of the following behaviors:

Fragmented Personalitychildren become adults that have a great tendency to tune out reality or have reality distortion.  They experience excessive fears, shame, guilt, and they have difficulty feeling, empathizing, bonding, and loving. They often feel that they cannot let their guard down in the presence of other people or else those people will intentionally hurt them. If someone acts nicely toward them, they assume that he/she must be after something. Sometimes they will take on multiple identities to safeguard true self. These adult children prefer to operate under an alter ego to create a safe fantasy world so that they don’t have to deal with reality. They often perceive things that don’t exist; they create dramas and stories in their head out of fear, such as making accusatory statements like “I know you’re going to leave me!” They are pessimistic most of the time and will assume the worst and believe that everyone is out to hurt them. They repress emotions, have illusions, delusions, they minimize critical situations to avoid having to deal with them or they exaggerate situations making them out to be more than what they are. They suffer from paranoia, neuroses, catastrophizing, and denial.

Trust DisordersThis residue will show up in either (2) ways:

The first way is that the adult-child will have a high level of mistrust and are reluctant to trust safe people even when a person has proven to be trustworthy. They lose good relationships because they put their partners through too many tests and trials without acknowledging the consistency of their passing them all.

The second way is that they will repeatedly over trust abusive, self-centered people that consistently hurt others, despite the painful betrayals they have experienced. This is from the comfort that they’ve become accustomed to and unconsciously will repeat the behaviors that they are familiar with even when those behaviors have caused them pain in the past.

When these children have trust disorders, they often will have a lot of self-distrust, constantly doubting or second guessing own choices, decisions and feelings. And they will often have deep skepticism of a higher power due to not understanding how a God would allow them to be subjected to such harm.

Social Isolation – these adult- children will suffer from this residue because they don’t think that they relate well to other people and/or they feel that they don’t fit in with any sort of group. They will often feel inhibited, afraid to show emotion or are afraid to initiate conversation, afraid to show vulnerability for fear of rejection. They can be socially awkward because of their lack of self -esteem or because of their inability to identify with themselves, not knowing or understanding who they are.

Co – Dependency – these adult-children often feel helpless and are afraid to live life on their own without the support of someone else. They feel that they are not capable of making a decision without the aid of another person. They are highly concerned and worried about making the wrong decision out of fear of punishment or rejection. They need constant validation and attention from others to make them feel happy, relevant, and secure because they didn’t get those emotional needs met from their parents and didn’t feel protected as a child.

 Perfectionism

The adult-child will take on this behavior because they believe that it is their fault that their parents abandoned them or didn’t love them. They seem to think that they were the cause for their abuse, neglect or for them being deprived. And because they did not experience unconditional love and affection, they believe that they weren’t good enough or they didn’t work hard enough to receive it. So they take on perfectionism believing that this is what they have to do in order to be valuable and to receive love and acceptance.

Unrelenting Standards –they become adults who must be the best at most of what they do and feel there is constant pressure to achieve and get things done. Their relationships suffer because they push themselves and their partners too hard. They are never satisfied or they feel that most everything they do or sometimes what their partners do is never good enough, and could be better. They idealize and have unrealistic expectations.

Approval Seeking -they can place an extreme importance on other people’s opinions and sometimes put a high level of significance on appearance and social status as a means to get attention.

Punitiveness –adult-children believe even the smallest mistake deserves punishment. Usually hold themselves and others to very high expectations. They find it hard to empathize or forgive mistakes, their own and those of others.

Insufficient Self Control

This behavior stems from a lack of confidence and a lack of understanding of self. They struggle and are in a state of identity crisis not knowing how to identify with who they are. These are the adult-children who lack self-discipline and want to quit a task at the first sign of frustration or failure. They will justify quitting by convincing themselves that it wasn’t meant to be, or by making self-talk like, “I really didn’t want this anyway.” It is very hard for them to commit or be loyal to anything or anyone. They tend to be irresponsible, unreliable, and have the attitude that they can’t fail if they don’t try. They often are indecisive; they don’t use definitive statements or words, and they will often engage in risky activities that can result in painful consequences and they tend to justify their immoral behavior and decisions.

Entitlement when the adult- child has insufficient self-control, they hate to be constrained or kept from doing what they want or they feel that they shouldn’t have to follow the normal rules and conventions other people do. They are often a victim, and believe that they should get special treatment or favor because of what they’ve been through. They often can have a Spoiled attitude – either got most every material thing that they wanted as a child and received very little time, attention, affection and discipline, or the very opposite and  they were a child that  got nothing material or emotional and was often being punished, neglected and deprived.  These adult-children deeply have a desire to be punished, disciplined, and held accountable because they feel that if someone really cared about them, that person(s) would not let them continue their disrespectful or bad behavior without dishing out some consequences. They also tend to be very jealous, controlling and they harbor anger which will usually surface in a rage or violent outburst when they are threatened of losing control or when they don’t get their way.

 Addictive Personality

This behavior is adopted in adult-children to make up for the lack of sufficiency and love that they were deprived of as a child. The adult-child develops a behavior where they are afraid of being alone and often feel like they have an empty soul. They have the tendency to experience chronic depression and anxiety. They are always in search of doing something to give value and meaning to their existence in hopes that it will replace their childhood wounds, and make them feel important, relevant, whole and complete.

Sometimes these adult- children will pour their entire being into something and become an extremist of that thing to where they neglect or pay little time and attention to all other areas of their life. They have a need for a frantic busyness (type “A” personality). They need something to distract and numb pain of past events so that their mind does not get busy thinking about them. They lack focus and are unable to complete most anything that they start. They do not know how to balance life arenas, (relationships, job, social activities, hobbies, personal care etc.). They will often trade one addiction for another to fool themselves into believing that they were able to quit a bad or unhealthy habit. They can be addicted to love/relationships, drugs, alcohol, sex, partying, sports, food, you name it, and surprisingly some adult-children are addicted to drama and pain because it is familiar to them and they need it to function because it would be unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and dysfunctional to them without it because we are unconsciously comfortable with the things that we know and that are familiar to us.

Most children that suffered from one of these (5) most likely suffered from more than (1) if not all at some point throughout their transitioning from being a child into their adult life. All (5) stem from not being raised in a home environment where the child felt safe, secure, loved, important, or wanted. If you were abandoned, neglected, or abused as a child and have not healed or received help to heal, you are still that wounded child in a grownups body. Unintentionally and unconsciously you are still hurting and bringing those wounds into every relationship that you engage in as an adult. This article is to bring about your awareness so that you are able to at least evaluate or identify if you suffer from any of these childhood wounds and find that they are indeed sabotaging your relationships. If you have been suffering in your relationships and find that you are not able to engage in or maintain healthy relationships I would suggest that you face these wounds and get help to surrender them so that you can move forward with your life being able to have healthy and loving relationships that last.

 

 

 

 

Fcuk Love!

A lot of people seem to think that love hurts. But that’s not true at all, love feels amazing, love is great, love is wonderful! It’s losing the love that hurts. It’s when the feeling is no longer there that’s what hurts. We are afraid of love because we know what it feels like to have it and then lose it.

Love feels like being on top of the world. It’s like having no worries no cares. It’s like feeling like you can do and conquer anything! Love makes you feel invincible, it makes you feel like everything is perfect! And when that feeling is gone, it feels like your world has ended.  

It feels like you’re crashing really hard from a sugar high and yes that hurts. That hurt reminds us that the pain is greater than the love, so why risk it? That is why we don’t want to be vulnerable or eager to fall in love because if it ends or when it ends we hurt. 

So no, love does not hurt, not being able to maintain that love or those strong happy feelings is what we are afraid of. So don’t be so quick to give up on love or think that love is the source of your pain, because;